The Nose Knows

Isn’t it am amazing? The instant you smell a particular fragrance you are immediately transported to a time when you smelled it in the past. The olfactory system (our sense of smell) has an incredible memory. Real estate agents have figured this out. That is why they recommend that home sellers bake cookies or bread, or simmer some vanilla extract and water on the range before showing their home to prospective buyers. Those aromas immediately signify feelings of hominess and comfort to many people.

We can use our sense of smell to help us feel energetic, deal with stress, or change our mood. To do this think about fragrances in your life that remind you of good times. I’ll give you some examples of how I do this:

Peppermint – in aromatherapy, peppermint is used as an energizer. My grandma was a wonderful, cute, little lady. She always carried her purse with her and in it was a yellow package of peppermint-flavored Chicklets gum. When I was a little girl, whenever I was around her, she would ask if I would like some gum. What a treat! She would open her handbag and the fragrance of that peppermint gum would permeate the air. Just thinking about it as I’m typing this reminds me of Gram and I feel excited and…energized! When I need some energy, I will reach for a little aerosol bottle I have filled with a few drops of peppermint oil mixed with water and spray it into the air around me.

Lavender – another aromatherapy favorite. I’ve always been drawn to the fragrance but in recent years I’ve had the opportunity to visit a lavender farm on Cape Cod in the height of summer when the fragrance filled the air. I’m instantly reminded of the beauty of that place and the peace I felt being on vacation whenever I use lavender scented lotion or light a lavender scented candle. I definitely use this fragrance when I’m feeling a little down to change my mood.

Cinnamon and Citrus – these scents remind me of the holiday seasons when my kids were young. Someone had given me some potpourri called “The Smell of Christmas” by Aromatique. I put it out each December and enjoy the fragrance into January. It reminds me of being bundled up with my kids on a cold, winter night, watching a fire in the fireplace and how much fun we had during the winter months as a family.

What kinds of fragrances bring back your good memories? Which make you feel happy, calmer, or can change your mood? Once you decide, stock up on samples of them and pull them out whenever you need them.

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Karen Rowinsky, LMSW, is a licensed master social worker. She has a private counseling practice in Overland Park. She helps people:

• Manage the challenges of life transitions
• Deal with relationship and family issues
• Grieving or experiencing a  loss
• Increase self-confidence and self-esteem
• Recover from anxiety, depression, or past trauma

Who do you know who may be struggling with changes in his or her life? Grieving the death of a loved one?  Recently separated or divorced?Holidays are the roughest time to go it alone if you are grieving or have experienced a major life change.  Make sure those you care about have the support they need. They will thank you for suggesting someone who can help.

Karen Rowinsky Counseling Services

10977 Granada Lane, Ste. 295

Overland Park, KS 66211

913-663-3511

http://OverlandParkCounseling.com

When the Holidays Will Never Be the Same

It’s been 15 holiday seasons since my husband, Max, died. Our son was 13 and our daughter was 16 at the time of Max’s death. Just when the three of us had passed through our initial shock and grief, the holidays were upon us and I wanted them to go away. Of course, that wasn’t about to happen. As the mom, I had to push past my grief to provide some semblance of normalcy for my children. They had enough loss for one year; I couldn’t take away the holidays too.

As I look forward to Thanksgiving, I am reminded that, even after all these years, I still find the holiday season bittersweet and sometimes difficult to enjoy. I have, though, found ways to embrace the holidays rather than just get through them. I’m writing this for you if you have experienced a loss that impacts and influences how you enjoy your holiday celebrations, or for you to pass on to a friend or co-worker who might need it.

Holidays are particularly hard for people who have suffered a loss. Whether through death, divorce, job change, relocation, family “issues,” or a change in financial circumstances, we are challenged by wanting things to be the same but knowing they will never be. So what do we do? Here are some things I have found helpful:

Be Good to Yourself

I believe one of the best things we can do is to be very good to ourselves. The holidays can be exhausting, as can grief. If you have suffered a loss during the past year, this should be the holiday season when you do the bare minimum—only things that will bring you comfort and pleasure. Even if your loss was years ago or seems trivial in the scheme of things, choosing to simplify can lighten your spirits. Simplifying for you may mean shopping by catalog or on-line, being more selective in the invitations you accept, or keeping your holiday decorating to a minimum. Choose to minimize your stress to maximize your enjoyment.

Being good to yourself also means taking care of yourself. Try to get as much sleep as possible. With so many holiday treats available, be sure you are eating a balanced diet. Keep yourself feeling good by drinking at least eight glasses of water a day. Try to do some form of exercise daily—even a short walk can do much to change your mood.

Traditions—Old and New

Your holidays should contain something of the past but this year would be a good time to start a new tradition—open presents at a different time or have a celebration at a different location. You may want to stay home rather than travel or you might want to get out of town. You may choose different people with whom to celebrate. If you’ve always celebrated in an intimate way, this may be the year that you join a larger group of family or friends. If you find yourself alone, plan a little get together with others who don’t have family or friends with whom to celebrate. If you can’t find anyone, make arrangements to volunteer in a hospital, retirement home, or at a community gathering for those less fortunate.

Choose Your Companions Well

Surround yourself with people who will not push you to be jolly and can be comfortable with your sadness. If you’ve lost a loved one, show by your example that you can speak of that person, reminisce, and honor his or her memory. If it’s your child’s turn to spend the holiday with your ex- spouse, choose to celebrate with others who don’t have children with them rather than in gatherings with lots of parents and kids present.

If you have had financial setbacks this year try to be with people who don’t exchange extravagant gifts. Or, suggest that this year each relative only pick the name of one other to buy for. This may be a good year to exchange services rather than things. You might give computer lessons to a loved one who needs them or give coupons for car washing or babysitting. If you’ve moved and can’t be with those you love, indulge in a long distance call or stay connected during the day of celebration by e-mail.

Lower Your Standards

Whether they’ve experienced a loss or not, most people have expectations for the holiday season that are rarely met. We look around us and it seems like other people are having that warm, loving, sparkling, good time with family and friends that we see on television commercials. We often reflect on our own past holidays and forget their imperfections. If we were to be honest though, we would remember that nothing is ever perfect. Be realistic in trying to make the holidays into an idyllic time. Better yet, make them into a collection of fleeting moments of sweetness, tenderness, and meaningfulness to you.

Go With the Flow

Most people will experience some sadness or melancholy during the holiday season. I have found that when the sadness envelops me, if I let it flow over me rather than fight it, then it passes more quickly. At first I was afraid that if I started crying I would never be able to stop or I would ruin other peoples’ good time, so I held back the tears at all cost. I learned, however, that just being by myself for a few minutes to be present with my sadness and let the tears flow was just what I needed. If the sadness doesn’t pass right away, realize that the longer you stay with it and the more you experience it, the quicker the intense feelings will dissipate.

Yes, the holidays will never be the same but they can bring you joy again. It takes time, patience, and the support of those who care about you. Choose to take control of how you celebrate the holidays this year. Accept that you will probably feel uncomfortable at times. Avoid dwelling on what can never be again. Allow yourself to experience the special moments each day. Most importantly, give yourself a very special gift by taking good care of yourself.

Fifteen years later, my kids and I still miss Max. Our holiday celebrations aren’t the same, but we’ve learned to take delight in them again. I believe in my heart that you will too.

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Karen Rowinsky, LMSW, is a licensed master social worker. She has a private counseling practice in Overland Park. She helps people:

 

• Manage the challenges of life transitions
• Deal with relationship and family issues
• Grieving or experiencing a  loss
• Increase self-confidence and self-esteem
• Recover from anxiety, depression, or past trauma

Who do you know who may be struggling with changes in his or her life? Grieving the death of a loved one?  Recently separated or divorced?Holidays are the roughest time to go it alone if you are grieving or have experienced a major life change.  Make sure those you care about have the support they need. They will thank you for suggesting someone who can help.

 

Karen Rowinsky Counseling Services

10977 Granada Lane, Ste. 295

Overland Park, KS 66211

913-663-3511

http://OverlandParkCounseling.com

Longing for Belonging

A while back a friend of mine invited me to a gathering of women. Elizabeth was to meet me there, but when I arrived there was no sign of her. The hostess, whom I didn’t know, greeted me at the door and ushered me into a room of about twenty strangers. Everyone seemed to be involved in animated, interesting, conversations. No one noticed me standing there.

I took an empty chair and sat quietly, waiting for a break in the conversation of the group nearest to me. I then introduced myself and told them that I knew absolutely no one there. Within a short while, I became an active participant in the discussion and found myself enjoying my newly found acquaintances (so much so that I didn’t even notice when Elizabeth arrived!)

Now this may not seem like a big deal to many of you, but to me it was an indication of how far I have come. Not long ago, I probably would have been totally stressed out if Elizabeth wasn’t there when I arrived; I would have been filled with awkwardness and embarrassment at finding myself in a place where I felt I didn’t belong.

This experience reminded me of a wonderful book written by my friend, Shirley Garrett. A Tap Water Girl in a Bottled Water World: Reflections on Belonging and Believing contains a series of stories from Shirley’s life. In reading it, not only did I learn more about my friend and her amazing life but I also learned more about myself.

While reading, I was drawn to the issue of our sense of belonging. I’ve been thinking about what “belonging” means and how it is an integral part of us. I believe we all, at one time or another, long to belong. Unfortunately, for many of us, feeling that we don’t belong prevents us from enjoying all that life has to offer.

• Have you ever chosen not to participate in a potentially fun, interesting, or new experience because you felt like you wouldn’t belong?
• Have you ever declined a social invitation because you were afraid you wouldn’t know anyone there?
• Have you ever hesitated getting involved with a club because you were worried that you wouldn’t fit in?

If you answered yes to any of the above, then you could be missing out on some incredibly rewarding experiences. Feeling like you don’t belong is a habit learned early in life when you were developing your sense of self.

Growing up, I used to think that it took the words and actions of others to make me feel like I belonged. In elementary school, one way I measured my belonging was whether I was one of the first ones picked for a playground baseball team. Back then, it seemed like I was always one of the last ones chosen. (Not only was I a girl but I couldn’t have caught a ball if my life had depended on it!) No matter what the reason, this left me feeling like I didn’t belong.

Junior-high and high school were veritable adventures in not belonging—think “popular” or “cliques” or “any dance for which you didn’t have a date.” It seemed like kids, in order to feel like they belonged, had to make others (read me) feel like they didn’t.

I’ve since realized that I played a passive role in my sense of whether I belonged or not. I measured my belonging by how many invitations I received or who asked me to join them in groups and activities. Thank goodness I’ve grown up since then. I now know that you must take an active role if you are going to feel like you belong. In other words, you must invite people into your life rather than wait for them to invite you into theirs.

You belong wherever you want. If a place or group of people feels uncomfortable to you, then it is up to you to decide whether you want to belong there or not. The feeling and knowledge that you belong is your choice; it is not the responsibility of others!

Are you stuck in the high-school belief that others decide whether you belong or not? So many times our beliefs are arise from our youth when we had little wisdom or experience. It may be time for you to examine from your “adult self” whether some of those assumptions about yourself are still valid. This kind of examination will very likely open you up to a new world of possibilities and opportunities based on who you are now, not who you were then.

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Karen Rowinsky, LMSW, is a licensed master social worker. She has a private counseling practice in Overland Park. She helps people:

• Manage the challenges of life transitions
• Deal with relationship and family issues
• Grieving or experiencing a  loss
• Increase self-confidence and self-esteem
• Recover from anxiety, depression, or past trauma

Who do you know who may be struggling with changes in his or her life? Grieving the death of a loved one?  Recently separated or divorced?

Holidays are the roughest time to go it alone if you are grieving or have experienced a major life change.  Make sure those you care about have the support they need. They will thank you for suggesting someone who can help.

Say Cheese!

Smiling is energizing. Not only does it exercise and stretch your facial muscles, and thereby generate energy, it is difficult to smile and still feel glum or lethargic. When you have a smile on your face, it’s contagious.

People react to your smile positively. It’s hard to be with a person who is smiling without doing so yourself. Have you ever watched someone get his or her photo taken? Even when watching someone smile in that situation, we find ourselves grinning right back.

Did you know that your voice changes when you are smiling? You can actually hear a smile. If you listen carefully to radio announcers or voice-overs on commercials, you can tell when they are smiling. Your smile can not only energize you, but also the person you are with, even if it’s over the telephone.

Do you smile easily? Take a few days to notice how many times you smile during the day. A little Mona Lisa-like smile counts as much as a big toothy grin. The important thing is whether you are smiling often. If not, as silly as it may seem, try smiling more. At first it might feel forced (and it is) but eventually it will become a habit.

When you wear a smile on your face your whole demeanor changes. It is as if you are smiling on the inside, too. Check your facial expression during the day. If you’re not smiling, say cheese!

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Karen Rowinsky, LMSW, is a licensed master social worker. She has a private counseling practice in Overland Park. She helps people:

• Manage the challenges of life transitions
• Deal with relationship and family issues
• Grieving or experiencing a loss
• Increase self-confidence and self-esteem
• Recover from anxiety, depression, or past trauma

Who do you know who may be struggling with changes in his or her life? Grieving the death of a loved one?  Recently separated or divorced?

Holidays are the roughest time to go it alone if you are grieving or have experienced a major life change.  Make sure those you care about have the support they need. They will thank you for suggesting someone who can help.

Stop the Overdoing

Nothing is more enlightening than watching a friend overdo. We all know her. She runs from dawn until she drops. If she’s not the driver, she’s arranging transportation with the skill of an air traffic controller. If she’s not baking for the bake sale, she’s baking for an elderly neighbor. If she’s not running a kid to the doctor, she’s running her mother-in-law to physical therapy. All this on top of working full-time, doing laundry, cooking, and trying to maintain a relationship with a partner, if she has one.

So what do you say to her, especially when she is stressed most of the time? You probably tell her to stop before she drops! You tell her you care about her and you think she is doing too much. You may even have the kind of relationship where you tell her that her kids don’t need that extra violin lesson, that her church can go a week without her making those phone calls, that her siblings, or even a paid helper, can get her dad to his eye doctor appointment. It all seems so clear to you! You wonder why she is adamant about not changing and are frustrated when she responds with a big fat, “Yes, but…”

Okay, I know this will be hard, but now put yourself in your friend’s place. Does your life mirror your friend’s? No wonder you, she, and countless others feel drained at the end of the day.

I’m using women as an example here because we are usually the ones who tend to overdo. Men do it too though. So if you’re a man who takes care of others’ needs ahead of your own, you need to read on too!

Here’s where the different twist to the Golden Rule comes in: Do unto yourself as you would want your best friend to do unto herself or himself. You could call it being your own best friend. Tell yourself to STOP. Enough is enough. You don’t have to do it all! Numerous books and articles tell about leading a balanced life, but most of us don’t realize that unless we cut some things out we will never find time for ourselves.

To show yourself how much you are really doing for others keep a list of all your activities during the next 14 days. Use your planner, PDA, Outlook calendar – wherever you keep your schedule. At the end of 14 days highlight all the times you did a task for others. Use another color to highlight the time spent taking care of yourself. Right now I bet you’re thinking, “…but I like doing blah, blah, blah for him or her…” I know it feels good to be so useful, caring, and helpful to others but how much it too much?

If you are really good at doing too much for too many people, you need the Platinum Rule. This rule requires you to ask yourself when you’re feeling particularly tired or stressed, “Will somebody die if I don’t do this?” If the answer is no, then tell your daughter that the retailers at the mall will have to do without her visit today. Let your son be satisfied playing on the community team rather than the traveling team. More than once a week, make reservations instead of dinner. In other words, tell your best friend about that new restaurant YOU wanted to try and plan to meet her there!

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Karen Rowinsky, LMSW, is a licensed master social worker. She has a private counseling practice in Overland Park. She helps people:

• Manage the challenges of life transitions
• Deal with relationship and family issues
• Grieving or experiencing a  loss
• Increase self-confidence and self-esteem
• Recover from anxiety, depression, or past trauma

Who do you know who may be struggling with changes in his or her life? Grieving the death of a loved one?  Recently separated or divorced?

Holidays are the roughest time to go it alone if you are grieving or have experienced a major life change.  Make sure those you care about have the support they need. They will thank you for suggesting someone who can help.

Sit Up Straight!

Okay, I know I’m not your mom, but in this case she was right! Body language can have a direct impact on how we feel and how we present ourself to others. Body language can be an outward expression of what is going on inside. Think of it as the way we “position” ourself physically. People take in our body language as well as our words when we communicate. We even react to our own body language, acting and feeling in a way that reflects it.

Look at the way you are sitting as you are reading this. Most of us do not have good posture. Are you slumped in your chair, shoulders rounded, chin resting on you chest? Take a deep breath, exhale, and then sit up straight. Square your shoulders, raise you head. When we’re tired, depressed, even stressed, we slump. It’s as if we feel the weight of the world on our shoulders. No wonder we have the expression “chin up.” Just the act of sitting up straight makes us feel more in control and can help us feel energized.

Poor posture is a bad habit. But it can be corrected. When we do certain activities for long periods of time we tend to slump. Working at a computer, studying, reading, doing needlework, watching television, or even driving a car can be conducive to poor posture. Awareness is key.

To check your posture, stand straight with your back against the wall and chin parallel to the floor. For correct posture, the back of your head, upper back, buttocks, and heels should touch the wall. There should be gentle inward curves at your neck and lower back and a gentle outward curve at your upper back. The same curves should be apparent when you sit.

Again, we have another example of how mom knew best. By sitting or standing straight, you will feel better, look better, and even have more energy. You’ll also be sending the world, and yourself, the message that you are vital, competent, and alive!

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Karen Rowinsky, LMSW, is a licensed master social worker. She has a private counseling practice in Overland Park. She helps people:

• Manage the challenges of life transitions
• Deal with relationship and family issues
• Grieving or experiencing a  loss
• Increase self-confidence and self-esteem
• Recover from anxiety, depression, or past trauma

Who do you know who may be struggling with changes in his or her life? Grieving the death of a loved one?  Recently separated or divorced?

Holidays are the roughest time to go it alone if you are grieving or have experienced a major life change.  Make sure those you care about have the support they need. They will thank you for suggesting someone who can help.

Aging with an Attitude

My grandmother died at the age of 39. She had been 39 ever since I could remember. She explained away her grown daughter and granddaughter by saying she was a “child bride.” By the age on her birth certificate Gram was actually 94 when she died. Instead of being proud of living to such an age, she’d probably be just a little bit annoyed with me for telling you the truth.

As I think about my grandmother and her conflicted feelings about her age, I’m reminded of when I taught puberty classes for girls and their moms. At the beginning of the class I would ask each mom to introduce her daughter giving her name, age and sharing other facts about her. Then I’d ask the girl to introduce her mom giving us the same information. I could count on the moms and girls to giggle at the idea of announcing the mom’s age to the group. It seemed that even girls whose moms were in their 30s had learned already that it was somewhat embarrassing to be “getting older.”

Now I can’t, in such a short blog post, go into the social and cultural issues that have caused us to be so concerned about our age, but I can propose that we have a choice as to how we look at our own aging. It’s a fact that we are living longer. I’m 60 years old as I write this. Women my age may very well have 30 more years of active life ahead of them. The very sound of the words 50, 60, or even 70 evoke mental pictures of the past when those ages were “old.” But in the time we are living, they don’t have to be.

Of course, health and financial issues have an impact on how we live at this time of life but attitude is of supreme importance. I had the opportunity to spend some time with a group of women who were mostly older than me. Aging had been on my mind and here was the perfect chance to learn how others experienced growing older.

I can only imagine the look on my grandmother’s face had she heard me ask one woman present what it was like to be 80! Yet Ruth’s answer was inspiring. She said that many people talk about being “over the hill” but she had found going down the hill much easier than going up! With a twinkle in her eye, Ruth then began to share with us her next ten-year plan.

Mary, in her late 70s, said she cherished life in a different way now. She’d become a more peaceful and accepting person. While Nancy, in her 60s, found herself too busy to think about getting older, she realized though, the importance of maintaining friends of all different ages.

Women friends seem to be particularly important as we age. If only for the fact that women live longer. Everyone acknowledged the loss of friends and loved ones at this time in life. Betty, at 60, found she thinks more about the end of life than in the past but that it seems less frightening.

Everyone talked about the freedoms of aging—the freedom to say things or do things you might not have felt comfortable with when you were younger. With fewer family responsibilities, you have the freedom to pursue interests, travel or even relax when and how you want. The women also talked about the responsibilities of aging. These women seemed to feel a responsibility to set an example and share their experiences with younger women.

The consistent message to me was that one’s attitude was the deciding factor on how one viewed growing older. While I was lucky enough to have this conversation with women who definitely had an “attitude,” what they showed me is that we all have this choice. None of these women had escaped life’s challenges, yet each viewed aging as a gift full of possibilities.

These women aren’t an isolated few. When I traveled across the country speaking to women of all ages, I had the privilege of spending time with many, many women who have this same attitude.  While networking and in my practice here in Kansas City, I’ve met so many women that are transitioning into a “new life” as they enter each new decade. They are a great example of how people can remain vital no matter how old or what their limitations are.

As I work on my attitude about growing older, I know that there will be things I won’t appreciate. I’m only 60 yet when I get together with friends the conversation usually involves laments about failing eyesight, memory loss, and our various aches and pains. But, I will have the choice to enjoy the new freedoms and privileges.

I wish Gram had lived in our times so she too could have an “attitude” about her aging. I’m hoping the mothers in those puberty classes will rethink the messages they are giving their daughters about aging. As for me, I plan to set an example for my daughter, step-daughters, and future granddaughters. I am aging with an attitude and I am getting older but I’m getting better every day! How about you?

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Karen Rowinsky, LMSW, is a licensed master social worker. She has a private counseling practice in Overland Park. She helps people:

• Manage the challenges of life transitions
• Deal with relationship and family issues
• Grieving or experiencing a  loss
• Increase self-confidence and self-esteem
• Recover from anxiety, depression, or past trauma

Who do you know who may be struggling with changes in his or her life? Grieving the death of a loved one?  Recently separated or divorced?

Holidays are the roughest time to go it alone if you are grieving or have experienced a major life change.  Make sure those you care about have the support they need. They will thank you for suggesting someone who can help.

The Talent That Surrounds Us

I’m in awe of the talented people I know. I’ve become increasingly aware of how my life is influenced by people with unique gifts. I’ve also realized that if I look past the surface, everyone I meet has something to be proud of.

Watching how other people live their lives—how they face hardships, deal with stress, find fulfillment, use their skills, and make choices offers us a wonderful opportunity for personal growth. It can help us become more aware our own strengths and build our self-confidence when we have challenges in our life.

By awareness I mean being sensitive to not only what a person has accomplished but also what strengths they possess to make their accomplishment possible. Obvious accomplishments might be getting a promotion, producing a work of art, or staying connected with a difficult family member. I also suggest becoming aware of the talents, skills, and courage they needed for their achievement and then learning by their example how they put them to use.

I will give you some examples of the talent that surrounds me to help you understand what I mean:

I marvel at and learn from my friend, Leslie. Leslie has shown me that when you want to do something you can make it happen. Leslie had a dream since she was a young girl to learn to fly. Several years ago, Leslie acted on her dream.

I remember when she took her first flying lesson. I was amazed at her fearlessness, her ability to learn how an airplane actually flies, and then to even fly one. More than that, I couldn’t believe her persuasive abilities when she actually got me to fly with her! I watched Leslie set her goal, push past the learning curve, and then master skills most of us wouldn’t dream of even trying. Being aware of Leslie’s accomplishment reminds me that I can do anything if I put my mind to it.

Being around my friend, Billie keeps me constantly aware of the strength of the human spirit. Billie went through a divorce at just about the same time my first husband, Max, died. We embarked on the experience of being single at mid-life together. It quickly became apparent that society had a much nicer way of reacting to someone who is widowed as opposed to someone going through divorce. Billie received no cards of support, condolence visits, or casseroles. She was lucky to have anyone acknowledge her pain. Yet, while different, it seemed as intense as mine.

By her example, Billie taught me about grace under fire. She was willing to reveal her vulnerabilities and in doing so, we took our friendship to a deeper level. Like all of us, Billie has continued to have struggles and challenges in her life but she is a living example of how someone can pick herself up, dust herself off, and keep going. I’m aware of Billie’s strengths and feel blessed that I can learn from her how to make life livable in the midst of challenge.

I’m sure you have people in your life that possess talents you admire, skills you appreciate, and a spirit you are in awe of. I would encourage you to take the time to raise your level of awareness about them. By looking at how they have accomplished what they have you will not only gain a new found respect for them but also the lessons you may need for your own personal growth.

To get started, make a list of the people in your life; your relatives, friends, co-workers, acquaintances, even people who provide you services. Then, next to their name, list the talents you admire in them. It may be that the person is a good cook, or has a knack for organizing. She may have overcome obstacles or exhibited a particular skill or ability. She may have strength of spirit or warmth that makes everyone comfortable in her presence. Everyone we know has something to teach us once we become aware of the talents they possess.

One added benefit to becoming aware of the talents that surround us is the opportunity to tell them the impact they have had on our lives. Make it a point to share your insights with the people on your list. I promise you they will be thrilled and grateful when you do! They may also learn from your example and pay it forward to you or someone else who might need a boost.

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Karen Rowinsky, LMSW, is a licensed master social worker. She has a private counseling practice in Overland Park. She helps people:

• Manage the challenges of life transitions
• Deal with relationship and family issues
• Grieving or experiencing a  loss
• Increase self-confidence and self-esteem
• Recover from anxiety, depression, or past trauma

Who do you know who may be struggling with changes in his or her life? Grieving the death of a loved one?  Recently separated or divorced?

Holidays are the roughest time to go it alone if you are grieving or have experienced a major life change.  Make sure those you care about have the support they need. They will thank you for suggesting someone who can help.

If Tomorrow Never Comes

My first husband died in 1994. Max had been ill for six years. His illness was one that was sure to prevent him from growing into an old man. During that time there were several instances when he was near death. Yet we rarely, if ever, talked about what would happen after he died.

It could have been our age—people are not supposed to die when they are 45. It could have been Max’s personality—he was extremely private and had a very hard time sharing his most intimate thoughts and feelings. It could have been our way of dealing with his illness—trying to have a positive attitude. It could have been our society’s taboos about really talking about death.

For whatever reason, it was very difficult, if not impossible; to engage Max in any conversation about what would happened after he died. I’m not saying that I tried too often. I’m a relatively open person, but it is scary and sad and requires a great deal of courage to address the issue of mortality—especially when it’s the one you love’s mortality.

Many of you, I’m sure, have experienced the death of a loved one. In the time shortly after the loss most people feel shock and numbness (even if the death was anticipated). The grieving process continues for days, months and years. But time doesn’t stand still. There is an incredible amount of “business” to be taken care of when someone dies and life’s special moments and everyday happenings are on the calendar, even when your loved one is no longer there.

Since none of us ever knows whether tomorrow will come for us, we can do our loved ones an enormous favor by talking with them now about what to do when we die. I can divide the way in which I’d suggest you communicate with your loved ones into two different areas: Family Business and Personal Business. I do say loved ones because this communication is important; between adult children and parents, spouses, siblings, even close friends. Certainly, the facts and information you share will make a terrible time a little easier.

Family Business
• Your Will – If you don’t have one, make one. If you have one, update it on a regular basis. Be sure that someone besides your spouse knows where it is.

• Insurance – Review your policies periodically. Be sure to have the name and phone number of your life insurance agent available. Make your loved ones aware of any life insurance benefits you have from your place of employment or other sources.

• Bank Accounts – Make a list of banks and account numbers.

• Investments – List any investments or CDs you have and have the name and phone number of your financial adviser or stock broker available.

• Bills – Keep your household accounting system up to date and be sure it is clear what needs to be paid and when. (Be sure to share this regularly with your partner, especially if you are the one in the family who handles this.)

• Important Papers – Make sure that someone knows the location of your safe deposit box or where you keep important papers in your home.

These are only a few of the things that people have to deal with when someone dies. While it is hard, you might imagine that you have died and then think about what your family members would have to do in the days and months following. From that, you can prepare to make this time easier for them.

If would be best to keep this information in a central location. You can use a notebook or a box. Make sure that at least two people close to you know where you keep it. While time-consuming, sometimes pulling together information about family business can be easier than doing the personal business, but the latter is equally, if not more important!

Personal Business
• Pictures and Videos – Even if you hate getting your picture taken, do it! I can’t tell you how comforting it is to have a few pictures of Max to look at, and hearing his voice and seeing him on video is wonderful.

• Letters – So many times, and for so many reasons, we don’t tell people how much we care about them and how important they are to us. Take the time now to write letters to your loved ones—sharing special memories, feelings and thoughts. If you are comfortable, give them the letter and tell them to be sure to save it. If not, put it away with other important things to be opened upon your death. Hopefully, you’ll have many years to write more letters to those you love. If you are married, you might want to write a letter to be opened on the first anniversary of your death or on a birthday or special holiday.

• For Your Children – If you have children, pictures and letters can be a perfect link to you, especially if your children are young and do not have many memories. Write letters for special moments in their life—high school graduation, marriage, etc. Write them now, and hopefully, you’ll be able to give the letters to them personally, but if not, they will have the comfort that words from you will bring.

• Personal Possessions – So many times wills are general and do not include the distribution of personal items. Make a list, and update it periodically, of items that belong to you that you believe would be a meaningful remembrance and appreciated by loved ones and friends. As they age, some people in an effort to simplify their life, actually give away these special possessions. This gives the added benefit of seeing the loved one enjoy what you’ve given them while you are still alive.

• Funeral Plans – So often these are made in haste after a person has died with little time or energy to really personalize the experience. You would do your loved ones a favor to talk about what kind of funeral or memorial service you would like. Think about music, speakers, location, etc. Be specific if you have any feelings about cremation or burial. Having these things outlined ahead of time eases the burden for those who must make the arrangements.

• Obituary – This may be hard for you to do but one of the first things that has to be done after a death is submitting the obituary to the local paper. You can help by writing your own now and updating each year on your birthday. It may sound morbid but no one knows your life like you do and no one really knows what parts of it were important to you.

The days, weeks, and months after Max’s death were incredibly hard for our children and me. I believe they would have been made somewhat easier had Max and I done what I am suggesting to you. I hope that you will consider taking the time now to help ease the pain and burden for those you love.

In the words of the Garth Brooks song, “…tell the one you love, just what you’re thinking of, if tomorrow never comes.”

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Karen Rowinsky, LMSW, is a licensed master social worker. She has a private counseling practice in Overland Park. She helps people:

• Manage the challenges of life transitions
• Deal with relationship and family issues
• Grieving or experiencing a  loss
• Increase self-confidence and self-esteem
• Recover from anxiety, depression, or past trauma

Who do you know who may be struggling with changes in his or her life? Grieving the death of a loved one?  Recently separated or divorced?

Holidays are the roughest time to go it alone if you are grieving or have experienced a major life change.  Make sure those you care about have the support they need. They will thank you for suggesting someone who can help.

The Patience Zone

When this old world starts getting me down

And people are just too much for me to face

I’ll climb way up to the top of the stairs

And all my cares just drift right into space…

The lyrics from the Gerry Goffin and Carole King song Up On the Roof sound like the perfect solution for life’s everyday frustrations. Unfortunately, we often don’t have a roof available when we need it.

I’m talking about “everyday frustrations” not about the big things in life like a family crisis, job loss, or health issues but the day-to-day little things that bug us, get on our nerves, or make us crazy. In the scheme of things they appear small but when they turn an otherwise good day into a downer, they effect our life in a negative way. I don’t believe that anyone escapes them. I do believe that some of us handle them better than others.

It’s a given that most of us live a fast-paced life with too much to do and too little time in which to do it. While we could make choices that would ease this kind of stress, many of us choose not to. Even those of us who are naturally quite patient have our moments when things get to us. So how do we deal with these little, or sometimes big, frustrations without pulling our hair out, raising our blood pressure, or getting into a crabby mood?

When I don’t have a roof handy, I go to a place I call The Patience Zone. I get there in a variety of different ways depending upon the intensity of the situation. I hang out there until my frustrations have passed. As you may have guessed, The Patience Zone is in my head.

Here are some ways you can get into The Patience Zone:

Breathe The old adage about taking a deep breath really works! Breathe in through your nose and exhale out your mouth. Concentrate on doing it slowly and evenly, taking in refreshing, relaxing air and letting out tension and frustrations with each exhale. Conscious breathing is relaxing and healthy. When you are paying attention to your breathing you are not focusing on what is bugging you.

Put in Imaginary Earplugs Others can often increase your frustrations, especially if they are complaining while waiting in line or about a slow server in a restaurant. Don’t let these people suck you into exaggerating the experience with their negativity. If you can’t tune them out, take the opposite point of view. Comment on how nice it is to get to spend more time together or show some compassion for the overworked and stressed clerk. Say it with a smile on your face and a lightness to your voice. If they continue with their griping, move on to another way to get into the zone.

It Could Be Worse Tell yourself it could be worse and then come up with ways it could. Keep your thoughts on the funny side. If you’re stuck in traffic by yourself, it could be worse if someone you don’t like were in the car with you or if you had a backseat full of cranky kids. If people are talking loudly in a movie theatre, it could be worse if they had seen the movie and were saying the lines before the actors. Note: The funnier the “it could be worse” scenario the better.

Music You may not be in a position to listen to a CD or turn on the radio but you can have a selection of songs in your head that you can start playing when you need to enter the zone. The songs should be upbeat with words that you know. Or if you are really going nuts, belt out a few choruses of “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor.

Your Own Patience Meter Imagine a meter, a thermometer, or a gauge. Assign one end to be your “totally tense” place and the other your Patience Zone. Picture the needle or mercury moving from tense to patient and use all your strength to keep it in the zone you want to be. If you’re in the car, you can even look at the Temperature Gauge on the dashboard and imagine yourself in the cold section rather than the hot.

Mantra or Affirmation Use a mantra like “This too shall pass.” or an affirmation like “I am calm and serene.” Saying mantras or affirmations over and over in your head can take you past the frustration and into the zone. You may have to keep repeating it, concentrating on every word, while in the zone. If your mind wanders back to whatever is bothering you, choose a fresh mantra or affirmation.

Your Comfort Place Imagine a place that you love. It could be outside or inside. Use that vision to move into and stay in the zone. Be sure to use all your senses; smell, sight, hearing, touch, even taste to make the picture more real. Dealing with a grumpy co-worker? Imagine lying on the beach. Waiting on hold? Imagine a walk in a beautiful meadow. You can be creative and visit many places or keep going back to the one that works.

The best part of being in your Patience Zone is that the more you get yourself there, the easier it is to go. Sometimes, I just have to think “zone” and I relax. I can feel my muscles releasing and my mood lighten. Practice helps and fortunately or unfortunately, most of us have plenty of opportunities to practice the skill of getting to and remaining in our Patience Zone.

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Karen Rowinsky, LMSW, is a licensed master social worker. She has a private counseling practice in Overland Park. She helps people:

• Manage the challenges of life transitions
• Deal with relationship and family issues
• Grieving or experiencing a  loss
• Increase self-confidence and self-esteem
• Recover from anxiety, depression, or past trauma

Who do you know who may be struggling with changes in his or her life? Grieving the death of a loved one?  Recently separated or divorced?

Holidays are the roughest time to go it alone if you are grieving or have experienced a major life change.  Make sure those you care about have the support they need. They will thank you for suggesting someone who can help.